Signs You Have a Fawn Trauma Response

Everyone has relational trauma. For some, the trauma is hardly noticeable; for others, the trauma permeates almost every aspect of life. Regardless of severity, how we respond to our traumas makes all the difference in whether we relive our old traumas or learn to live with them.

One unhealthy way people cope with relational trauma is called the "fawn response." Fawners rely on people-pleasing and approval to cope with insecurity, feel safe, and diffuse conflict in their connections with others. The fawn response often stems from relational trauma, and the survival strategy can be very damaging to one's mental health.

What is the fawn trauma response?

The fawn response to trauma is the use of people-pleasing and appeasing to meet the imagined expectations of others in order to survive, feel safe, and avoid conflict in relationships. With the fawn response, you often worry about what others think of you and put others' wants and needs before your own.

Psychotherapist Pete Walker invented the term "fawn response" to describe the appeasing habits that some folks use to cope with relational trauma. People with the fawn trauma response can struggle with mental health difficulties such as:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Codependency in relationships
• Low self-worth
• No healthy sense of self
• Diminished ability to set and enforced boundaries

To protect yourself and your mental health, it's important to spot the signs and symptoms of the fawn trauma response in yourself.

What are the signs that your trauma response is people-pleasing and fawning?

1. Self-abandonment: Fawners have no sense of self.

I saw mere shells of people, racing mindlessly from one activity to another. I saw people-pleasers, martyrs, stoics, tyrants, withering vines, clinging vines, and, borrowing from H. Sackler's line in his play The Great White Hope, 'pinched up faces giving off the miseries.'

— Melody Beattie, "Codependent No More"

You may have the fawn trauma response if you tend to lose yourself in your bonds with others. You try to please and appease others, and it's scary when they react negatively toward you. You might seldom feel like yourself; you are out of tune, out of sync, and out of touch with your own internal experience. And despite feeling hyper aware of others' emotional states, you may be very much unaware of your own.

Fawners find it difficult to feel or know their own wants, needs, and desires, especially when around other people. And even if the fawner recognize their own needs, they commonly struggle to express those needs to others.

People who fawn likely never had anyone who genuinely held, responded to, and reflected their feelings. Many grew up in early environments that weren't conducive to healthy expressions of emotions—for instance, perhaps a fawner's parents ignored their emotions or bids for attention.

Instead of protesting, fawners cope with emotional invalidation by thoroughly repressing their own thoughts, emotions, and needs. The fawner eventually becomes completely out of touch with their internal experience and loses awareness of their feelings, wants, desires, and needs. This becomes their default mode of existence—one in which they have woefully abandoned themselves.

2. Fawners struggle to stand up for themselves.

Fawners struggle to stand up for themselves, vocalize their boundaries, make their needs known, or criticize others for fear of damaging or endangering their relationships. They also have a hard time asserting themselves and saying, "no."

This difficulty usually comes from a non-nurturing early environment. In any hostile early environment, it's not safe to stand up for one's own needs. And instead of protesting or learning from a model of healthy emotional expression, the child subordinates their own needs to respond to their caretaker's emotions.

To avoid conflict, discomfort, pain, and retraumatization, fawners appease to deescalate situations and diffuse conflicts. Instead of being direct with their wants and needs, fawners will give indirect hints or act passive aggressively. The fawner is deathly afraid of conflict, direct confrontation, and being disliked. They have fawned all their lives to cope with non-nurturing people. And maybe no one ever stood up for or responded to the fawner's needs, so there's no healthy model or precedent for standing up for themselves.

3. Fawners have difficulty establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.

I saw people who felt responsible for the entire world, but they refused to take responsibility for leading and living their own lives. I saw people who constantly gave to others but didn't know how to receive. I saw people give until they were angry, exhausted, and emptied of everything. I saw some give until they gave up.

— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More

People with the fawn trauma response habitually take undue responsibility for others' emotions.

They often:

• Tend to others, even when no one asks them to—usually to the point of feeling exhausted and lost.
• Bend over backwards to meet others' perceived expectations.
• Can't say "no" for fear of stepping on toes or making others feel uncomfortable or upset.

Fawners ultimately compromise themselves by taking responsibility for everyone but themselves. In a way, they attempt to meet their own needs by trying to meet others' needs; they try to care for others in the same way they themselves wish to be cared for.

But when the fawner constantly gives without ever taking or saying "no," the fawner develops an unhealthy dependence on others' feelings and completely subordinates their own needs for others. They become smaller and smaller, to the point of losing their inner advocates, and are incredibly vulnerable to emotional abuse and neglect. And people walk all over the fawner.

4. Fawners use the word "should."

If you often feel external pressure to be a certain way, fear disapproval or dislike from others, and use "should" when talking about yourself, you may have a fawn trauma response.

People with the fawn trauma response can base their entire lives off of others' imagined expectations:

• They are afraid of being judged; to protect themselves, they criticize themselves before anyone else can, and judge themselves more harshly than anyone ever would.
• They act around others' imagined perceptions or expectations.
• They worry about fitting in and fret over what is "normal" or "acceptable."

Instead of accepting themselves, trusting themselves, and listening to their own inner voices, they are highly critical of themselves—to the point of perfectionism. They don't feel comfortable in their own skin, and they defer to—even rely on—what others feel and think.

"I should be _" is a way for the fawner to reinforce the illusion they can change how others feel, think, and act. The fawner often believes that if they give "enough" or are "good enough," then maybe, just maybe, they'll be recognized and get the love they so desire. But they can't. Because it's impossible to control how others treat or perceive you. And one of the fawner's developmental challenges is to let go of what should be and to simply accept what is in themselves.

5. Fawners struggle to share and be truly vulnerable.

No one ever listened to me; no one took me seriously. I didn't take me seriously.

— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More

Being concerned with pleasing others and fitting in means shutting yourself down and boxing away your genuine self. You might have never shown your true self or been your own person.

If you have a fawn response to trauma, then you might be:

• A "good listener": Within a circle of friends, people may come to you whenever they have problems. You may have an easy time sensing others' emotions and responding to their feelings. But you rarely find yourself sharing for fear of feeling like a burden or being rejected.
• Afraid of being loved: To you, love might feel like a conditional affair—something to be "earned," and something that could be taken away if you aren't "good enough." And because you can never perfectly be what you "should" be, genuine love and connection feel untrustworthy and dangerous.
• Afraid of confrontation: You may struggle with being honest with yourself and with others, asking for help, or standing up for yourself. When something doesn't go your way, you might bend over backwards and hide your suffering instead of speaking up. You'll wait and maybe even bottle things up until you become resentful, and you'll wonder why no one seems to understand.
• Unable to accept others' discomfort: It's that fear of being a burden. The idea that someone else might feel bad, even if only slightly inconvenienced, because of something you did brings enormous shame and apprehension.
• In denial about your own needs: You may be very aware of other people's feelings, but you probably have no sense of your own. The fawner commonly feels small, invisible, and incredibly unsure about themselves, their wants, and their needs. Alternatively, you may feel certain that you have no needs—and you might even feel a bit of pride about how little you need.

Where does all of this come from? Most fawners grew up in early environments in which they couldn't express their needs in ways that were healthy or well-received. They had to shut down, deny themselves, and appease in order to make their dependents comfortable. Being their true selves never "earned" them love growing up. So genuine love doesn't feel safe or real to the fawner.

6. Fawners constantly seek validation.

People with the fawn trauma response depend on others for self-worth. They need to be liked; they yearn to be accepted and valued by others, and they have very little trust in themselves and their own self-worth—they make the mistake of conflating their value with their worth.

Many fawners didn't have a chance to explore themselves with supportive or responsive caretakers—in many cases, their parents were controlling, neglectful, distant, emotionally immature, or even overtly abusive. They never had a chance to express or be their true selves.

To survive, the fawner learned to "prove value" and "earn love" by appeasing their caretakers with performances—getting good grades, making the "right" choices, and so on. The fawner tries to be who they're "supposed" to be, not who they really are.

Fawners:

• Constantly seek outward validation that they are "correct," "good," or "worthy."
• People-please in order to avoid conflict, be liked, or be accepted.
• Are deathly afraid of being judged or disliked.
• Feel anxious about what others might think, feel, or say about them.
• Act based on how they want to be seen, not based on what they really want.
• Fear looking inward for fear of shame and pain.
• Feel a need to prove themselves before they can be accepted, respected, or loved.
• Collapse in the face of failure, criticism, or rejection.

Because deep down the fawner feels they don't deserve to exist, they seek permission and acknowledgement from others. They don't feel any license to exist, so they become dependent on being accepted and valued by others for their own self-worth.

For the fawner, there is no inherent self-worth. They feel trapped, waiting to live their life until someone "lets them."

7. Fawners feel like outsiders.

Many folks who struggle with their mental health feel like outsiders. They look at others in the world and wonder, "Why am I not like that? How can they just go about their lives normally? Why am I not normal? Why am I different? What am I lacking?"

Fawners struggle with similar feelings and are especially prone to:

• Feeling misunderstood, invisible, and unseen by others.
• Yearning for attention and care, but not trusting that anyone can understand the depths of their suffering.
• Not believing anyone will ever truly accept, respond to, and validate them.
• Believing that something is deeply wrong about themselves.

On a fundamental level, people with the fawn trauma response feel deep shame and do not feel as though they are allowed to be themselves. After living for others for so long, naturally, the fawner begins to feel as though they can't participate in society like "normal" people do.

8. Fawners may feel like victims.

I felt terribly victimized. I lost myself and I didn't know how it had happened. I didn't know what had happened. I thought I was going crazy. And, I thought, shaking a finger at the people around me, it was their fault. Sadly, aside from myself, nobody knew how badly I felt. My problems were my secret.

— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More

People who fawn have needs, just like every other person. But instead of feeling agency and empowered to live their own life, the fawner has an external locus of control. They feel gone with the wind, as though they don't have much control over their own lives. So naturally, when their needs don't get met, they feel like mistreated victims.

The victimhood of fawning is similar, if not identical, to the victimhood mentality present in codependent relationships. (In fact, fawning is a common triggered response in people with codependent tendencies.) People who fawn may find themselves constantly putting out emotional fires for others, even if they aren't asked to. But never tend to their own internal emergencies:

A person who fawns, who constantly bends to meet others' expectations but never takes their own time and space, will feel invisible and unseen. They may become resentful and blame the outside world for not being as understanding or accommodating. In relationships, the fawner might think, "I've done all of this for you. Why am I not getting anything back?" or, "Why aren't you more empathetic or understanding?". They may even resort to passive aggressiveness, manipulation, or other toxic behaviors—whether intentional or not.

But here's the truth: The fawner creates their own emotional prison. The fawner unwittingly surrenders agency and power to others because they feel obligated to respond to others' feelings, emotions, and expectations. Their challenge is to let go of expectations and do things for themselves, not for others.

Healing from a fawn response

If you have the fawn response, you might be convinced that it's okay—it's because you are "highly sensitive," "empathic," or "caring." But in truth, the fawn response is a dangerous and unhealthy way to cope with non-nurturing environments and people that don't respond to your needs.

... endlessly taking care of other people, resenting it, and expecting nothing in return ...

— Melody Beattie, Codependent No More

The fawn response is ultimately an act of self-betrayal. You ignore your true self and you reinforce the illusion that you can control how other people treat you.

The only way to stop people-pleasing and heal is to undergo the arduous task of looking inward, accepting yourself without relying on external validation, and working through your relational trauma wounds. It's letting go of the idea that you can control what people think about you and how others feel about you. It's choosing to focus on you, and just you.

Practices such as journaling and meditation are helpful in getting in touch with yourself. Resources and books such as Pete Walker's Complex PTSD and Melody Beattie's Codependent No More can also help you inform yourself about the nuances of mental health struggles and trauma responses like fawning. But most importantly, consider reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist—the right therapist can be an invaluable ally in your healing process.