What Is Codependency

It wasn't so much about breaking free of [them], as it was about breaking free of me. —Grace Wroldson

"Codependency" is a scary term. But for folks who struggle with their mental health and interpersonal relationships, learning about codependency might be one of the most important steps in their life journeys.

Codependents commonly feel as though they are drowning in confusion, isolation, numbness, anxiety, and depression. They might feel crazy, like they have lost their minds and have no control over their own lives. They might feel as though they have no space to be themselves, with the constant demands and expectations of people around them. They might even feel they have no idea who they are anymore. The thing is, they usually have no idea how things got to this point.

In the words of Jeanette Elisabeth Menter, "You're not crazy. You're codependent."

What is codependency?

My life for yours. —Visas Marr, Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords

Codependency is excessive emotional reliance on others for your sense of self. It involves trying to manipulate or control other people to feel safe and "gain" self-worth through approval and validation.

Codependents often struggle with dysfunctional relationships, unbalanced lifestyles, and poor mental health. They take on the feelings of others and value others' wants and needs over their own. And they channel most, if not all, of their energy into others and leave little to none for themselves.

The term "codependency" originally came from Alcoholics Anonymous to describe partners who were affected by the toxic lives of alcoholics. Partners would bend over backwards to caretake their alcoholic counterparts. Their "helpful" behavior, however, would lead to toxic cycles of victimhood, resentment, and enablement:

Originally, it was used to describe the person or persons whose lives were affected as a result of their being involved with someone who was chemically dependent. The dependent spouse or child or lover of someone who was chemically dependent was seen as having developed a pattern of coping with life that was not healthy, as a reaction to someone else's drug or alcohol abuse. —Robert Subby and John Friel, Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue

In modern usage, codependency characterizes a wide range of relational imbalances and trauma bonding patterns, where one person overextends themself to caretake—and enable—another person's poor mental health, emotional immaturity, irresponsible actions, addictions, and more:

Codependency is a particular kind of dependence. It's insidious and powerful. It robs you of joy, peace of mind, and the ability to have sustained, loving relationships. It affects your relationship with yourself and limits your flexibility and the natural flow of relationships with others, including giving and receiving love and support and the ability to communicate, compromise, and problem-solve. —Darlene Lancer, Codependency for Dummies

Codependency is not healthy. Many people with codependent habits experience painful mental health struggles that include:

• Depression.
• Anxiety.
• Feelings of hopelessness.
• Low self-esteem.
• Low self-worth.
• Feelings of helplessness.
• Difficulty feeling safe and secure when alone.
• Difficulty practicing self-love, self-care, and/or self-compassion.

Many codependents are "highly sensitive" or "empathic," and they consider their compulsive need to caretake others or manage others' feelings to be attempts to "help," "save," or "protect" others. The codependent would never admit how little they value themselves—after all, they are trying to protect themselves and be liked, right?

Codependency is ultimately a process of self-sabotage and emotional manipulation, in which a person neglects their genuine selves while trying in vain to control the external world—including how others act, feel, and think.

Definition of codependency

Defining the problem is important because it helps determine the solution. Here, the solution is vital. It means feeling better. It means recovery. —Melody Beattie, Codependent No More

Many psychologists and mental health experts have tried to define codependency. Some mainstream definitions of codependency include:

[Codependency is] an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules—rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems. —Richard Subby, Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue

[Codependency involves] those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or participate in loving relationships. —Earnie Larsen

Codependency is … a dysfunctional pattern of living originating both in one's family of origin and culture that leads to arrested identity development. Codependents overreact to external events, while ignoring internal cues and feelings. —John Friel and Linda D. Friel

Codependency is … a symptom of abandonment—a loss of one's inner reality and an addiction to outer reality. —John Bradshaw

A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior. —Melody Beattie, Codependent No More

Having experienced (needlessly painful and complicated) codependent relationships and suffered from my own codependent tendencies, I'll toss in my own layperson definition.

Behold! The Mental Health Peer's definition of codependency:

Codependency is disregarding yourself by trying to control others and be who you feel others expect you to be, not who you really want to be—perhaps even need to be.

At its core, codependency is the fear of being yourself and living your own life.

Codependents sometimes convince themselves that they really do put themselves first—they believe they act in a way that aligns with their own values of compassion and helping others, and they genuinely believe they help themselves by "getting" others to like them. But they're wrong.

By trying to protect themselves, meet imagined expectations, and mold themselves to be who they believe they "should" be, codependents neglect who they really are. They put themselves in prisons of their own making; they remove agency from themselves; and they unknowingly surrender control of their own lives trying to control everything but themselves.

What are some common signs of codependency?

Some common signs of codependency include:

• Difficulty feeling and naming your own feelings.
• Putting others' feelings above or before your own.
• Feeling out of sync or out of tune with yourself.
• Difficulty asserting yourself—and feeling guilty or ashamed when you set boundaries and/or stand up for yourself.
• Difficulty communicating in relationships.
• Hiding your true thoughts and feelings for fear of hurting or upsetting others.
• Having trouble making decisions for yourself.
• Obsessing over others' validation and approval.
• Deep feelings of shame and worthlessness.
• Lack of self-respect and self-trust.
• Fear of rejection, abandonment, and isolation—to the point of clinging to relationships.
• Desire to have control over others.
• Needing to be a caretaker—to "help", "protect," or even "save" others.
• Perfectionism, especially in terms of your own self-reliance and competence.
• Enabling poor behaviors to try to ease tension in relationships.
• An addiction to the word "should."
• Feeling worthless unless someone needs you.

The codependent person doesn't have a complete or healthy sense of self. They struggle to balance themselves and the outside world. They put others first and constantly find themselves doing things because other people want them to, not because they themselves want to.

Codependents do not look inward. They do not trust in their own inherent self-worth, nor do they trust their inner compass. Their focus is almost entirely on the external world:

• They yearn to be liked and admired.
• They feel as though they must "prove" or "earn" their worth.
• They find themselves fantasizing that others talk positively behind them.
• They look to others in a constant—but futile—quest for external validation, acknowledgement, and proof of worth.
• They feel the constant pressure of imagined expectations and demands.
• They react to events in their lives and wait for problems to resolve themselves instead of acting and taking responsibility.
• They struggle to accept themselves, especially if their experience feels different from others'.

The codependent person lives for others instead of living for themself. They convince themselves that they put others first out of kindness, empathy, or even self-preservation—when really they feel resentful, small, invisible, lost, and even helpless for ignoring themselves. They act as though what they need is never as important as others' wants and expectations, when deep down they feel invisible and yearn to be seen and understood.

Signs of codependency look an awful lot like signs of the fawn response trauma. In fact, Pete Walker, a psychologist who specializes in complex trauma, observed that the fawn response trauma tends to show up in many codependents.

What does codependency look like?

Codependent behavior sometimes gets broken down into passive vs active codependency:

• Passive codependents tend to be more fearful. They feel low self-worth and deep insecurities, and resort to people-pleasing/appeasing and caretaking behaviors to avoid conflict and confrontation. They also tend to be emotionally manipulative and controlling through subtle actions and behaviors.
• Active codependents are more overtly emotionally manipulative and abusive. They may come across as selfish, entitled, or even narcissistic, and they attempt to push their partners into behaving a certain way to fulfill their own emotional wants and needs.

Passive or active, codependency at its core is putting yourself last to caretake others, not knowing why, and feeling resentful for it. It is an attempt to find self-worth from others instead of from within.

A codependent will:

• Feel the need to solve problems for others.
• Not be direct with their wants or needs.
• Avoid or cling in relationships instead of setting clear boundaries.
• Feel in tune with others but completely lost in themselves.
• Say "yes" when they mean "no."
• Feel as though they are drowning in confusion, anxiety, and depression.
• Feel as though they have no control over their own lives.
• Suppress and refuse to show their feelings for the sake of "protecting others" or "being strong."
• Sacrifice themselves to the degree of "martyrdom" because they "care so much."
• Fear stepping on others' toes.
• Seek approval, admiration, and validation instead of pursuing what they actually want.
• Feel shame for having a different experience from others.
• Struggle to go an extended time without a romantic relationship.

A codependent might have thoughts and feelings like:

• Why do I give so much but receive so little in return?
• Why does no one seem to understand my side?
• Why do I always give but never receive?
• Why does no one see how much good I'm doing for others?
• Why do I do so much good but get nothing in return?
• I love so much, but the more love I give, the more I seem to get hurt.
• I'm tired of giving my all and then ending up with nothing.
• I just want to be loved. Why won't anyone love me?
• I feel like I always have to be "on" or available.
• Why does no one understand me?

Codependent thoughts and feelings can be summed up with the thought, "Why do I so much but get nothing in return?":

[C]odependency is a way of getting needs met that doesn't get needs met. —Scott Egleston

What does a codependent relationship look like?

They rely on it, depend on it, more than they know —Kreia, Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords

Codependent relationships are unbalanced and unhealthy attachments built on weaknesses, immaturity, and shortcomings instead of mutual strength, trust, and support. They are often one-sided and emotionally harmful affairs.

Codependent relationships are characterized by:

• Poor personal boundaries.
• Self-sabotaging tendencies.
• Excessive neediness.
• Loss of identity.
• Toxic shame.
• Low self-worth.
• Relationship anxiety.
• Lack of trust.
• Emotional distance.
• Attachment wounds and/or traumas.
• Poor communication.
• Passive aggression.
• Avoidance or clinginess.
• Controlling or manipulative behaviors, such as hiding information or telling half-truths.
• Push and pull or hot and cold patterns of behavior.

In a relationship, the codependent will channel all their energy into their partner and leave none for themselves. They will stretch themselves thin taking on their partner's feelings, value their partner's wants and needs over their own, and neglect themselves and their own wants and needs. In many cases, the codependent ultimately loses themself in the relationship and forgets who they are.

Codependents tend to remain in unhappy relationships for fear of rejection and loneliness; they grow to rely on others, no matter how toxic, for their own sense of identity and happiness and often feel lost without their partners. Some codependents fear commitment and will string potential partners along in attempts to protect themselves and avoid losing themselves—it is a way of simulating emotional and romantic connection without genuine vulnerability.

The codependent drama triangle

Codependent relationships can be summarized by what's known as the "drama triangle." The drama triangle is a model for dysfunctional relationships in which two partners cycle through three roles:

1. Rescuer: The rescuer is a caretaker. They are always available and ready to "save" their partner from disaster.
2. Persecutor: The persecutor is a hyper-critical blamer. Nothing is their fault. When they feel bad, it's always because someone else did something wrong. The persecutor is immune to blame.
3. Victim: The victim is a helpless manipulator. They don't accept agency, and they do not take responsibility for their own emotions. Victims will reject healthy boundaries and find ways to take. They may even feel betrayed or abandoned when others take steps to improve their own lives.

Partners in a codependent relationship cycle through these three roles. It's why codependent relationships are so draining, damaging, and unhealthy. The codependent ultimately builds their life around their partner's wants, needs, and expectations. They forgo their boundaries and trap themself in an endless cycle of caretaking and martyrdom until they ultimately lose themself.

Codependent relationships don't allow for growth

All relationships have a degree of interdependence, compromise, and sacrifice. It's why many relationships feel greater than the sum of their parts—because partners come together, grow together, and commit to building something meaningful.

But codependence is the extreme end of dependence. In a codependent relationship, partners only feel safe and loved when they feel needed. Codependents completely lose themselves and their identities, and neither person can exist without the other.

Codependent relationships rely on unhealthy dependence, stagnation, and toxic behavioral patterns to last. There is no room for growth—as soon as one partner begins to grow, the other is no longer "needed" in the same capacity. Instead of appreciating change and growth, the codependent partner will begin to protest, manipulate, and sabotage. To avoid "rocking the boat," partners in a codependent relationship do not change—even when change is absolutely necessary.

Growth and change will not happen so long as partners in a relationship do not recognize their codependent tendencies and work toward their own healing.

Can you be codependent without a relationship?

Yes. Codependency is a dysfunctional way of relating to the world that promotes victimhood instead of responsibility. Although codependent tendencies show up most obviously in romantic relationships, they appear in other contexts too. You can be codependent in friendships, family bonds, workplaces/jobs, and more.

For instance, many people develop unhealthy relationships with their work. They are always available, even after hours, and are afraid of drawing boundaries between their professional and personal lives for fear of being fired or for fear of being judged as a "lazy employee." So instead of taking time for themselves outside of work, they set unreasonable expectations on themselves and unfairly base their own worth and value off of their work and how their peers and superiors see them.

The codependent will try to control how others see them; employees with codependent tendencies may go out of their way to show "how much they've done" or "how hard they've worked" in an attempt to gain approval. But the approval is never enough, and they get left wondering how they worked so hard and ended up with so little.

Similarly, many people develop unhealthy relationships with friends. They're the "good listener" who never opens up or feels heard. They're the "good helper" who never seems to ask for assistance or receive help. They're always available and ready to help, but they feel helpless and unsupported in their friend groups, in which no one else seems available.

Codependency is learned behavior that involves putting others first. The codependent might convince themselves that they are just being kind and considerate, and that, in a way, they are putting themselves first by building a good name for themselves. But what they're really doing is ignoring their genuine wants and needs to protect themselves and avoid conflict with others.

The codependent is more concerned with trying to control what the world does to them instead of what they themselves do. They are more concerned with presenting an image and protecting themselves against judgement than they are with being true to themselves. Any interaction that involves someone else's wants or needs has the potential for codependent behavior.

What causes codependency?

Long ago, I had shut off my need to give and receive love. I had frozen that part of me that felt and cared. I had to, to survive. —Melody Beattie, Codependent No More"

Codependency is caused by attachment wounds from unhealthy relationships. The emotional trauma from such relationships—be it inadequate parenting, abusive relationships, toxic friendships, unhealthy work environments, and so on—lead to shame and low self-worth that encourage the codependent to react to others' perceived expectations as a way to survive.

Psychologists believe that people with emotionally immature, neglectful, or abusive parents are more likely to adopt codependent behaviors. Ideally, children grow up with parental figures that mirror their feelings, validate their thoughts and emotions, and allow them to feel loved, safe, and understood. In other words, in an ideal early environment, "good enough" parents help a child feel okay with themselves and their experiences.

In an inadequate early environment, children begin to feel isolated and insecure. Because no one responds appropriately to their emotions, they "learn" that their thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs are unimportant and invalid. They grow up feeling as though something is fundamentally wrong with the way they experience life. Instead of trusting themselves and accepting their feelings, these children develop deep-seated shame and believe that their experience is so uniquely painful and bizarre that no one else can understand it.

Many children adapt to emotional trauma and attachment wounds by repressing themselves and becoming who they "should" be. They do not learn to listen to themselves; instead of learning to love and care for themselves, they adopt a range of maladaptive behaviors such as:

• Withdrawing or self-isolation.
• Caretaking others (perhaps an anxious or insecure parent).
• Becoming "self-sufficient" (they may even be proud of how little they feel they need).
• Fawning and appeasing.
• Performing to "earn" love and approval.

Codependents never develop a strong sense of self. They constantly feel the pressure to be who they are "expected" to be, not who they really are. Instead of being aware of and compassionate toward their own thoughts, emotions, and needs, the codependent determines their self-worth based on how others see and treat them.

Foundationally, [codependency] is due to poor concept of self and poor boundaries, including an inability to have an opinion or say no. —Dr. Mark Mayfield (LPC)

In a way, codependency is an attempt to heal the wounds from the past. Many codependents provide for others what, deep down, they themselves need. Some codependents even gravitate toward "wound-mates" who share similar emotional traumas in an attempt to get emotional validation, acknowledgement, and perceived healing. However, such wound-mate pairings are ultimately more harmful than helpful—often times, codependent bonds only last because old wounds stay open.

Do codependents really love?

I still found codependents hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, guilt producing, difficult to communicate with, and more. —Melody Beattie, Codependent No More

In many cases, codependents really do love. However, codependent love is a twisted, shadow form of love. It is a form of love that comes from a place of insecurity and scarcity, not a place of security and abundance. It is a love that connects through mutual wounding, not through support and thriving.

Codependent love is not generative—by definition, it cannot be, because codependent relationships are built on dysfunction, imbalance, and bonding over shared traumas.

Codependent love is also conditional. The codependent never feels good enough. In fact, many codependents feel as though they aren't allowed to receive love unless they "earn" it. Whatever "love" exists in codependent relationships often gets conflated with the feeling of being needed or worthy. When the codependent no longer feels needed, they feel their love and relationship is in danger—hence the toxic cycle of disaster and fixing.

It is possible to unlearn codependent behavior and for the unhealthy, unsustainable, and even toxic form of love to evolve into something healthier. However, healing takes intent and deliberate effort toward growth.

Is codependency a mental illness?

Although codependency is not officially recognized as a "mental illness," many consider codependency a modern "disease" or "illness." However, it may be more productive and helpful to think about codependency as a set of learned—and changeable—behaviors.

While codependency often coincides with a variety of mental health struggles such as depression, anxiety, low self-worth, attachment wounds, relationship anxiety, and self-sabotaging behaviors, it can be managed and unlearned.

Are codependents controlling?

Yes. Codependent behavior is at its very core emotionally manipulative and controlling. Codependents attempt to manipulate other people—their feelings, their actions, and their thoughts—to feel safe.

Examples of manipulative behavior include:

• Playing the victim instead of taking accountability for your own actions and behaviors.
• People pleasing, fawning, and/or excessive flattery.
• Excessive caretaking.
• Excessive pity.
• Faking concern or sympathy.
• Feigning ignorance.
• Telling half truths or hiding information.
• Hiding feelings for the sake of "protecting" others.
• Blaming and criticizing.
• Using guilt.
• Chronically behaving in a needy or helpless manner.
• Evasiveness.

Is it possible to recover from codependency?

Absolutely. It is possible to unlearn codependent behaviors in favor of healthier ones. It is also possible to fix or heal codependent relationships. But if you are codependent, the work starts and ends with you.

Recovering from codependency means taking the reins of your own life and choosing to live it instead of trying to control other people's lives.

How do I heal codependency?

Each person is unique; each situation is unique. Try to tap into your own healing process. —Melody Beattie, Codependent No More

People with codependency believe their problems are external. They believe something in the world has to change before they can feel better. But the truth is, the codependent's suffering comes largely from within—from the stories they tell themselves, from the intense self-loathing that binds them, and from the prisons they unknowingly build around themselves based on perceived expectations and demands.

Recovering from codependency starts from the self. To heal, the codependent must cease their search for external validation and look inward to recognize some fundamental truths:

• I have agency. I am responsible for my own mental wellbeing, and I must take accountability for my own behaviors.
• I cannot control what happens to me. I cannot control how other people act, feel, or think. I can only control myself and what I do.
• What I think and how I feel matters.
• No one will save me. No one can feel my feelings for me, solve my problems for me, or live my life for me.
• Putting others first is not being considerate or loving. It is neglecting myself and not valuing myself. It is ultimately manipulative and controlling behavior to protect myself with the risk that comes with true vulnerability and trust.

No one will heal your wounds from the past. You are your own person, and you must put yourself first. Regardless of what's happened, what matters isn't rectifying the past (you can't do that anyway), but rather grieving the past honestly and moving forward by practicing new ways of being.

The recovery process involves learning to:

• Know and name your feelings.
• Value your own thoughts and feelings.
• Let yourself get your needs met by others—trusting and accepting love.
• Take responsibility for yourself and meet your own needs.
• Be vulnerable and trust again.
• Feel and communicate your needs.
• Set and hold healthy boundaries.
• Practice self-compassion, nurturance, and growth instead of self-pity.
• Accept disappointment when others fail you.

Codependency is a prison that stops you from living your most honest and fulfilling life. To recover from codependency means accepting yourself and becoming who you really are.